Things that will happen when the IPL is nationalized
new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS
officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India
2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi.
The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus.
It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharshtrian
Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken. Zaheer Khan
will have his house burned down. So will Irfan Pathan, Yusuf Pathan and
4. The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed
Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and
the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to
Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha, respectively.
5. Each political
party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres,
Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers, et cetera.
6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.
7. Cheerleaders will be replaced by honourable ministers who will give speeches during breaks in the match.
8. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for be women.
9. Mayawati will demand SC~ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets.
10. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarised.
11. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission.
IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL
centres from 10 a.m. to 12:45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on
your cell phone will immediately be withdrawn.
13. Replacing an
injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application
submitted 48 hours after a government doctor examines him.
14. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants.
15. The new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks.
IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast
the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. and
subsequently from 3:30 a.m. to 7 p.m, subject to satellite link-up
17. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired.
18. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed "Krishi Darshan".
19. There will be no matches on weekends or on national/regional holidays.
20. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green.
Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own
version of the tournament called PPL, and Mr Zardari will make a visit
to Washington to meeet President Obama and seek an additional grant of
$1 billion to fund it.